Sunday, April 1, 2012

"Good math teachers always find a home."

And so someone told me. The 27th year of one's existence brings big changes. This equally scares and excites me. For the past four years I've been working with teenaged students while secretly wishing I was working with adults, only to find that what I discovered at my first job (dog kennel attendant at an animal hospital) remains the same: adults suck and animals/young 'uns rule. They will just let you know how they feel without sugar-coating or covering anything up. For the majority of my life I've gotten in trouble for speaking my mind or acting strangely when I feel like I've been living truthfully every moment of my existence. And it's always boggled my mind that others look up to it rather than dare to live it.

Not to say that teenagers are animals... because we all are. I think in a lot of ways adult humans clog up so much of their instincts with etiquette and formalities that sometimes we forget to listen to nature, each other, and even ourselves. What follows is that we forget to be there for each other and we also forget the weight a simple hug or greeting bears when we are in the middle of chaos.

There have been so many occasions in the past, that have seen me fearful of how others will take to my honesty. There's nothing like being afraid of the person you live with -- what will be thrown, what will be said, and what excuses will be made on their behalf from you. It's something that until recently has stirred up overwhelming negative emotions in me; however, the change brought on by Year 27 seems to have brought indifferent feelings in me with regards to those who have made me feel unsafe in my past. Within the last 3 days I've felt completely relaxed and separated from feeling of fear that once consumed my nights and caused me to worry if it would or could ever happen again.

It's important for me to be able to "drop the waterline," as they say, and learn to trust more. This is a huge change for me as I've felt abandoned or even betrayed by those I love in the past. Right now I can't believe how in love I am and the trust, like magic, has come naturally. I want to write more about it but the only word to describe it is Wonderful.
I am in love with my Reality.

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