Friday, November 7, 2014

The job has now become keeping a job.

New year, new school.

Such has been the routine for the past three years now. I'm getting sick of it but am holding my tongue and my cynicism for the sake of being professional around colleagues and pupils. Being in a state of gratitude and positivity on a daily basis only allows my anxiety around the uncertainty of the future to multiply.

Each day I am greeted by passing students who frantically wave at me the skip along to meet friends at the library. I see fantastic artwork displayed outside of the teacher's lounge showcasing the diverse talents of students I only see for one subject four days a week. I get to talk to parents and see their children as growing people, and I get to see those people grow in 186 school days. I talk and laugh and hang out with teachers outside of school, sharing funny student quotes or anecdotes over a beer and thank them for all the little things that contribute to my feeling balanced during the week. On Wednesday I was observed by the principal and despite the fact that I committed the teacher faux pas of "trying/doing something new," I wasn't afraid or nervous because I know my classes, I know myself as a teacher, and I know what I'm doing. Although I am behind in grading of homework, tests, and projects, I will still review the homework my TA graded so I can read my student's feelings.
excited for Halloween!!
stressed about so much homework
depressed (will tell you after school)
tierd <-- is now an inside joke after I made the distinction between tired and tiered. Student now writes tierd cake on every homework.

I think about the personal funds, time and energy put into making bulletin boards, posting decorations, curriculum mapping and typing electronic documents for students and stop myself from wondering if I'll be here five years from now to gain a reputation as the teacher who makes kids write feelings, the teacher who shows The Dot and The Line...
The teacher who's "married" to Fabio!
But then I start to wonder why I have to be so visceral in describing my personal struggle. Life is made up of plot twists and turns, upsets and celebrations. Right now my life is like an indie drama: you don't really know what the message is but you can look for meaning anywhere. I'm working through the depression that comes with the feeling of defeat and working on being present where there is beauty --

He's much hipper than Fabio. And yes, we are both wearing KISS shirts :-)
and heart.
Professor Boogums in his study.
I might have to pick up my bags and move on come June, or I might tidy things up in preparation for a second year/"second chance," but fearlessly starting the day comes first and foremost. If someone asked me if I was afraid that they don't keep me for next year, I would say no, I'm not afraid. I'm anxious as hell, but I know what I'm doing and that's what makes me fearless.

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